Jargon Watch

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CRAPPLET - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

GOOD JOB - A "GET-OUT-OF-DEBT" JOB. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The Electronic Traveller. (Like when you type rm -Rf *, and realize you are in /, and not in the directory you thought you were in.)

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions.)

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main Number and ask the operator for assistance."

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps"