Tech Support Horror Stories

Here are some true stories from technical help desks around the country.

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

Tech Support: Tech Support, may I help you?

Customer: Well, I need more memory in my computer.

Tech Support: We'd be happy to help you with that. How much memory would you want to add?

Customer: As much as it can hold.

Tech Support: Do you work with large programs or graphics?

Customer: No, but I'm writing my biography.

Tech Support: Well, that really doesn't take all that much memory.

Customer: You don't know me, sonny, I've led quite a wild life and I'm going to need all the memory I can get.

Tech Support: Good Afternoon. IT helpline.

Customer: Hello, this is Dorothy Quackenbush on the third floor.

Tech Support: How are you today?

Customer: Fine, thank you. I'm changing offices however and I want to make sure my computer will work in room 12.

Tech Support: It should. That room is fully wired.

Customer: Well I'm concerned about moving the computer. There are these open slots in the back and I don't want to lose any of my files.

Tech Support: You mean...

Customer: I mean they could fall out when the computer is moved.

Tech Support: It will be fine. Just make sure the computer isn't dropped.

Customer: If you say so.

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Tech Support: "OK, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK" button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "OK, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "OK." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the "Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're Typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm Using the 'M' key...does that matter?

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "OK. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "OK. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this Install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what, sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, But it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand, sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it. And I used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your defective disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was Sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

[SILENCE!]

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer (now rather humbled): "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry, sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

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